another record in the office

after a couple of years in the office, the so-called global/financial/sensational crisis* pushed me out to look for a job. this was almost a year ago. i took the first test for a miserable position with the EU. i failed and i missed the chance to take the second test, then go to an interview, and possibly relocate for a decent salary.

how did i fail? closely. there were two sections of this test, one involving a decent understanding of english and some logic/math skills, and the other one about general knowledge about the goddamn union. they pushed it down to questions like ‘was the conference in dubai in 1996 about a) fisheries b) finances c) environment d) none of the above’. now how the fuck am i supposed to know? i used to be a journalist only for 10 years , mostly in the foreign affairs. the dubai shit? my ass.

well, dew-bye or doo-bay, i was only 2 points below the line, out of 100 or so, i don’t remember exactly. now where was i with that? well, for at least the fifth weekend this year, i kept postponing my work until the deadline ticked dangerously close. and then …

… then i completed in 24 hours a task for which the guys in brussels (who deal with exactly the same stuff as myself) would have had a week. and that’s not even a first. i had also 48 h records, the last of them amounting to the ‘european working norm’ for almost 15 days. or one hour records, equivalent to a standard day’s work. obviously, my lucky colleagues have fair, fixed, guaranteed wages, and i don’t.

but you know what? they could only dream about my hourly rates – actual working hours, that is. unlike them, i don’t count as working time the clips on youtube, the online chatting, or adding up ‘friends’ on social networks. when i work, i work. when i don’t, no boss watches the clock when i come and leave, and no one tells me when i can take a break.

and you know what? there’s nothing like working at night, when it’s fresh and quiet, and when you look out the window and you see all the lights off, and you can imagine all the people miserably farting under their blankets. and in the morning, when they rush to their daily chores, you can go to sleep – you did it again.

so in the end, maybe it’s just fair that someone else passed the test i failed, maybe he or she really needed that money from the taxpayers. and on top of  it, from the little i understand about the european affairs in general, and about the mutual feelings of love and respect betwen the belgian french, aka walloons, and the belgian dutch, aka flemish , in particular, even the natives hate living in brussels.

* a huge scam, of course

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ol’ podna quit

she can’t stand it anymore. the tension, the disappointment, and the constant urge to return. she was better than me, i guess extra patience and risk aversion helped. but today, she said ‘that’s enough’, and uninstalled the poker software from her computer. no more playing for her, no more eagerly waiting for the hours of the regular tournaments we used to play together. from now on i’m alone, like a joker. wish me gl.

brainstorming: the impossible anti-porn

some time ago, a friend of mine had a business idea. not so original, i told him. some kind of a site with a list of preferred gifts, to be sent to the people you invite to your wedding, birthday etc. they are supposed to contribute as much as they want, and the gifts are purchased in descending preference order, as the money comes in. we turned it on all sides during one of our not-so-regular brainstorming sessions via ym for business ideas. he wanted it to be local and to offer its own products… anyhow, i was skeptic, and he was too lazy to do anything more than discussing.

today he was devastated: he found a local version of his unborn baby. a lousy imitation of what he had in mind, where the user had to provide links to items and online shops. nevertheless, it was obviously the same thing, without the offer of stuff  at ‘best prices’.

from here, we started another brainstorming, and something came out of it: what about a portal for wicked wish lists? you enter the target’s name – say, the ceo of bp, or obama, or ossama, or your boss, or your in-laws, and you can freely pick among options like * sudden death * cancer * crippling car accident * poison. and all your friends can also see the list and bring their own contribution. hmm. not so effective. so we thought of other anti-sites, distorted negatives of the great internet successes.

  • the anti-google. suppose you’re a biker, and you enter “bmw”. it would return anything else but bmw, i mean all the competitors – honda, kawasaki, yamaha…
  • the anti-e-bay, aka e-beg. there is no sale and auction and nobody buys anything. it would be only for junk, broken things, and those poor enough to want it would have to beg for it. instead of being dumped, each item would go to the most persistent beggar.
  • the anti-youtube.  for sharing illegible system files. no image or text, just system files you can open with notepad to see things like ~!@#$%^`1@#$56&7**( – you know. dll.
  • the MoIP. opposite of VoIP. you can communicate by signs, but no sound at all. no voice. m is for mute, of course.
  • the spam solicitor. providing an infinite number of addresses to all the spammers it can find. perhaps their own servers will eventually crash trying.

the most challenging was, of course, the anti-porn. if anyone finds an idea for this, it’s worth the nobel prize. anything you might put there – there will surely be a freak it turns on. even landscapes, i think. i can imagine a pervert aroused by mountains and lakes. the only thing i could come up with that would eventually kill the hardest dick is the endless option. works like this: the homepage asks if you want porn with women/men/both. you pick one of the options, it asks for the preferred age. young/mature/old. young? ok, race: caucasian/african/asian/any. then hair color: blond/brown/black. then skinny/normal/fat. blue/green/brown/black eyes. soft/hardcore. normal/pervert/sm/zoophilia/necrophilia. single/couple/group/any. etc. etc. etc. with loops to return to previous categories. of course, no porn whatsoever, not a single glimpse of a tit.

webcast

i happened to find out about this webcast event about a new hybrid drive for laptops. they (no names – as i said in an earlier post, i can’t afford lawyers) – were claiming performances at ssd level for the price of a hdd, or something like that. so be it, i don’t give a damn, i’m not a gamer, i can live without their drive.

the thing is, they were offering three laptops as prizes just for attending their ‘event’. i spent nearly one hour hoping to hear my name. of course i didn’t win shit. meanwhile, i was looking at the lousy webcam images of the speakers – a not so young lady, an old fatty dude, a kind-of-a-rapper, and a young fatty geek. they were all excited about their shit, and you were supposed to listen when the lady called a winner.

and the second winner’s name was something like van-der-spock. rotfl… mwahahahaaa… jerry seinfeld’s pal, kramer, instantly popped out of my memory – wearing a scarf, pretending to be a tycoon, smoking a pipe, and calling himself vandelay.

summary

among the ny times editorials today, one signed by  . i read it. all it says is just this:  .

in 800 words ?!?!?

this is not a monday

as yesterday was the pentecost, everybody got a holiday today (?!). it’s a public holiday, since our parliament, in its wisdom, decided so – i.e., last year. it’s the first time we have this extended week-end, which is absolutely fabulous. y’know, the government just announced a 15% cut of all the pensions, and a 25% cut of all the wages of public employees. and they might also let go up to a quarter of million of these people over the next year. (no, it’s not greece – but close enough).

and they just had a huge protest meeting in front of the government building a couple of days ago. they’re also planning a general strike this week. today it’s like a rehearsal. nobody works. the private employers who needed to call people to work today have to pay them double. the train and bus drivers, etc. who had to work anyhow are paid the double, too – right when the public expenses must absolutely be cut. great holiday.

i had to look in the encyclopaedia to see exactly what this pentecost is about, and i bet 90% of my fellow countrymen have only a vague idea about it. all they know it’s that it’s a biiiiig christian festival. maybe they’re right to drink and feast like there’s no tomorrow. actually, for most of the poor idiots there isn’t.

word of the day

shoe. no, nothin’ to do with footwear. it’sh when you shoe the azhile ‘cauzh zha doctorsh and zha nurshesh plot to kill you to inherit your forshune. (besht shupporting actor – click)

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